Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Last episode of LOST revealed....

I dreamed I saw the last episode of LOST.

It starts in a lecture hall at Oxford. Dr. Hillman is lecturing about the time-travel aspects of electro-magnetic energy. Dr. Hill -- Man. Get it? No? Don't worry all will be revealed. Another new character, I think. That can't be good.

In rides a leprechaun on a polar bear. He starts throwing black and white stones at the lecturer, who disappears behind the lectern. The polar bear roars and eats the leprechaun.

Suddenly, we are on a beach, and a woman with the most enormous pregnancy ever, washes up on shore. She has the most beautiful brown eyes.

Uh, oh, I think. She's wearing a bright red dress, and carrying a phaser. Boy, is she doomed.

Next scene: woman with worst haircut ever is delivering the woman's babies. One baby is born, but the bulge is bigger than ever. Out pops the second baby.

"It's alive!"

The older woman, who we know is evil because she looks so concerned, whacks the red dress lady with a rock. (Wait, was that a black rock or a white rock? Don't worry, all will be explained.)

The new psycho 'mom' says, "The President will see you now." Whoops, wrong show.

In walks Ben and Albert and Lapidus and Miles, and a few other characters who haven't had anything to do in a while. What are they doing here? Suddenly, they all blowed up into smithereens.

"Whoops," says psycho 'mom'. "I forgot about the landmines."

Suddenly, we are back on the beach. Jack and Kate are arguing about whether the tide is going out or going in.

"You're right," Jack suddenly says in exasperation. But of course, he's never wrong. Kate points that out, and then sidles up to him and croons, "Jack....I want I don't want here and give me a, I can't......"

Suddenly a polar bear runs down the beach and eats Kate.

The cast and crew cheer lustily.

Scene switches to Sawyer and Charles Whidmore.

"O.K." Says Whidmore. "I'll explain everything. Everything you want to know."

"Forget it," says Sawyer. "It's too late."

No00000000000!!!!!! I scream in my dream.

"Just as well," says Psycho Mom. "Any questions you might ask, just leads to more questions."

"Fuck you," says the big fat kid, shoving Sawyer out of the way. Sawyer trips over backward, hits his head on a giant black rock, and drowns in the background.

Who's left?

Don't worry, it'll all make sense in the end.

Whidmore says, "Well, if you know your Greek, Egyptian, Roman, Norse, Atlantis, Biblical, Gypsy, ....blah, blah, blah mythology, it's very clear...."

But a giant chicken runs onto the beach, Hurley chases it into the jungle. We hear a giant sqawk, and feathers fly out of the brush. A moment later, he stumbles out onto the beach, choking on a giant chicken bone. He falls over dead.

Whidmore is too busy explaining and doesn't notice. Desmond walks up, and throws Whidmore into the ocean. He winks into the camera, "We're almost there," he says. "The answers are coming, " and strolls down the beach whistling.

In my dream, I've had enough. Who's left to ask. Oh, yeah, Locke. Locke ---MIB -- Smoke Monster will know.

I summon him by thinking evil thoughts about what I want to do to the island. He arrives, and I tell him that my mayonnaise jar is a magic transportation device. All he has to do is get in it. He turns into black smoke, and I smack the lid down.

"Got you!" I exclaim.

"Let me out," Locke says. "I'll explain everything."

"First tell me, then I'll let you out," I demand.

"Here's the truth. I'm a writer, and and can write anything I want. I have no friggen clue what's going on, are you kidding me? Come on. You really thought I could wrap this up? You know, I figured a little mumbo jumbo at the end would satisfy everyone.

"But just in case, I have my plane tickets to the last island in the Pacific where you'll never find me! Boooohaaaahaaaaaahaaaa!!!!!!

I shake the jar. "No, really. I want the answers, or I throw this jar into this handy black well that has suddenly appeared beside me."

"All right! All right! I'll tell you everything! It all revolves around....."

And then I wake up.

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