Damn budgeting.

There is no doubt that this budgeting process has been good for my business.

I can see it in all kinds of ways. My cash flow has easily covered the bills in a timely manner, and the savings has never been threatened. I've paid off one card in full, and I have been making substantial payments on the other. I'm not carrying any balances with my suppliers. And I'm doing at a time of year that is usually my toughest.

So why does it feel so unsatisfying?

First of all, I've never really done it like this before. Or, rather, I've never done this when I didn't absolutely have to, when my back was totally to the wall. I've cut back many times before to raise capital to pay overdue debt or taxes. But that was different somehow. For one thing, I was terrified, and motivated, and adrenalinized.

This time? It's for my own good. Yep, like caster oil. Like going on the wagon. Like dieting. Like exercising. Like taking vitamins, or shaving, or taking out the trash. Like doing the dishes, and pulling weeds. It's a damn chore.

The changes are incremental, and below the surface. Look, say I owe 10k on my credit cards. If I pay off an extra 500.00 a month, I'm making progress, but it may take twenty months. At the end of the day, though, all I feel it is costing me is 500.00.

Here, I'm paying an extra 3 to 4k per month. It still takes me 3 or 4 months, but in the end, in a sense, all I'm saving is that 500.00 payment.

I know, I know. That isn't what is really happening, but that's what it feels like.

I also feel like I'm in sort of in a holding pattern.

I've obviously become a risk junkie; just as bad as climbing mountains, or rolling the dice in Vegas. I just love that feeling.

If I went out right now and bought a 1000.00 worth of stuff, I'd be excited for a week, trying to stock it, display it, show it off, checking it out and exploring it, and -- oh, yeah-- trying to get the money back.

Not spending a 1000.00 bucks? Yawn.

Catching up on bills? Yawn.

In a sense, the money I'm not spending right now isn't the 'keeping the store well stocked' money -- I'm keeping that going. I'm keeping the new material, the best sellers, the basics. Nothing has changed.

No, the money I'm not spending right now is the' play' money, the 'have fun and try something new' money, the 'let's experiment and see if it works' money. It's why I read the trade publications, and peruse the web, and keep my ear to the ground. It's the stuff that intrigues me and interests me. I've already read the Watchmen; so obviously I'll keep that in stock. The store continues to do well because there are still plenty of folk who haven't read the classics yet. But what about material I don't even know about yet?

I'd also like to find the occasional 'Fun Home' which totally surprised me with how good it was; the occasional DMZ or Criminal, that I didn't expect to like so much.

Or the weird looking toy that I know will excite comment, but probably take a long time to sell.

Of course, you probably are saying, I should let go of the 'play' money. Entire books are written on the subject of selling established, proven sellers.

But the exploring, the playing with inventory, is what makes this job worth doing. The trying new things is what keeps me interested. The turning people on to something they've never seen.

What I'm trying to tell myself is that I've been playing in heavy traffic, so to speak. I need to build a fence before I start playing again.

I don't want to overstate my case. Of course, I'm getting new material in every week. Because of the nature of a pop culture store, 'new' is the default position. What separates my store from others is that I've made more of an effort to keep the 'mid-list' quality product, and the outside the normal material.

For example, when I was a kid, my parents subscribed to the New Yorker. I'd read the cartoons every issue. They also had Saturday Evening Post cartoon collections and such. I remember becoming aware that my favorite cartoonist was a guy named Gahan Wilson. Over time, I became aware of other names, such as Charles Addams and Edward Gorey, and Jules Feiffer and Shel Silverstein, and eventually cartoonists who's art I recognize, but not the name, such as Ronald Searle's. One of my projects has been to assembled as many of these cartoonists as possible.

There are modern practitioners of this level, who do 'comics': Troy Nixon, Renee French, Rick Geary, James Kochalka to name a very few.

It's a "I like it so I hope others will like it" effort. Not at all necessary, but fun and completely unique to my store. I'll be going back to it as soon as I've created a firewall. As soon as I'm out of the heavy traffic.

Back to the budget.

At least half to two/thirds the money I save in the budget is going toward debt, and pulling in the slack in my cash flow. I'm addressing a problem I wasn't really feeling. Cash, if there is any, will come at the end, so I don't get to chortle over the money, money, money.

In theory, I'll be able to use the money I normally make at Summer and Christmas as actual, honest to goodness cash profits, instead of just paying the debt I incurred over the previous months.

Almost every year, I would go deeper and deeper in debt to keep the store up, almost accelerating toward the end (the more you owe, the more tempted you are to buy your way out of it.) That may sound crazy, but it has almost always worked. At least, I'm usually caught up at the end of summer and Christmas. But....with little left over for the next off season.

I'm bound and determined to turn that around. It's a great time to do it. There's a slowdown, which creates less outward pressure. My sales are high enough to keep a steady flow of material coming in, even now, at the proper discounts. The store is full. I have almost no competition. I know how to do it. So far, I've been doing it without much real effect on sales.

If not now, when?

I could've done this last year, or even the year before. But business just kept increasing, and I went with the flow. (Despite my deep suspicion of the boom.) What has been the final motivator is the fact that I will need to renegotiate my lease in the not too distance future. I have a few good seasons to prepare. I really can't delay much longer. The idea of a recession is just a further motivator.

I know at the end, I'll be very happy I did it. But right now it's just feels kind of like trudging.