Hey, Rudolf! What's with the F$#%CKED up nose?

I've always had a weirdly inappropriate reaction to Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

See if I'm getting this right.

There's this nice young reindeer, Rudolf, and through no fault of his own, he's got a big red nose.

Hey, he was born with it! He can't help it.

But not only do the other reindeer not invite him to their parties and all, but they bully him, and make fun of him, and tease him mercilessly.

Until one day, the Big Guy crooks his finger at him and says, "You. Yeah, you, the funny nosed deer, come here. I need you. You ride point."

"And then all the reindeer loved him,
As they shouted out in glee,
Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer,
You'll go down in history!"

I'm sorry. Here's where I can't quite go along with the jaunty tune.

I'm not as nice as Rudolf. I'd be saying something like:

Oh, suuure! NOW you like me?

Well, screw you!

I'm going to go all Heather on you.

The Big Guy and I are close, you know? Really, close.

Hey, Fatso! Remember when you short sheeted my bed? And you, with the twisted horns, I remember when you tied tin cans to my tail?

You guys, you go live in the barn.

See if I invite you to my parties!


(Um....sorry, told you it wasn't quite right. I must have been going through a tough patch when I first heard the song....)