Saturday, October 25, 2008

Clean cut?

I was accused of being "clean-cut" the other day by one of my more bohemian customers. The old hippie in me quailed at the suggestion.

"You should have seen me two days ago," I protested. "I had a full beard and long silver hair, man."

I was also wearing a button down dress shirt, which I tend to favor when I'm not wearing t-shirts. But that is just the classic style my parents taught me. I don't wear hats, or anything else that I might be self-conscious about. I don't even like t-shirts whose logo's are noticed.

After my experiences with depression out of high school, I didn't ever want to stand out in a crowd again. To me, blending in is something to be desired.

I was talking to my sister, and I come to find out that the old 'depressive' genes, which I suffered from 30 years ago -- which caused me to have a lost decade -- run in my extended family much more than I was aware.

I kept saying, "You're kidding!" as she told me what was happening. It's ironic, because I remember saying at family dinners many many eons ago, that what with my Dad having had it, and me having had it, that I thought it might run in the family and maybe we should all be watching for it.

So here's my sister telling me, that indeed it seems to have manifested itself.

I turn to Linda, and say, "I wonder. Could I have any of that and not know it?"

She laughed and said, "No, honey. You're a very upbeat personality."

Which has kind of amazed me. I haven't really suffered from depression for 30 years now, not even tinges of it. Despite reading that it often, most often, comes back. I've been on the lookout for it, but I have a pretty even keel on a day to day basis.

Oh, I get upset, and angry, and sad, and all the rest. But mostly, I like myself these days, and I like my life.

I think it must be because I have some control over it, in my job, and was so very fortunate in my wife. There has certainly been enough stress over the years...but I've always considered the stress to be of my own making; I incurred the debts, and as difficult as it was to stay in business, I felt I had some control, a path that would see me through.

So, anyway. I shook the 'clean-cut' accusation off, and said, "What it is. I cut my hair as short as I can stand it, and then I let it grow as long as I can stand it. It's all about saving money."

We baby boomers are weird.

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