The past can haunt if you let it.

They've got these nifty little "Classic Albums" documentaries on Netflix. They usually have all the band members involved, and I've even been watching a few about bands I didn't listen to at the time.

Anyway, the thing that really jumps out at me is that many of these rock and rollers are trying a little too hard to look young. Colored hair, wrap around hairdos, wild clothing.

Yesterday, Linda took a picture of me playing with the cat and I was shocked by how old I looked. The gray hair, the middle aged ponch, the big beard and so on.

The thing that was most noticeable about the old rockers -- the guys who went with natural color, but short hair and no beards looked the best.

But I can't quite see myself cutting my beard completely. A goatee perhaps. Keeping it shorter would be a big improvement. But, hey, it's what happens in the natural world.


There was also a documentary about the early 60's London "Underground" movement, which focuses on Syd Barrett of Pink Floyd. It's legendary how L.S.D. destroyed this guy, and Pink Floyd went on the future fame. But with the knowledge I now have, I think it sounds just as likely that he hit the age of Schizophrenia, and the drugs either just initiated the change or exacerbated it.

I had an episode of depression, for many of the same reasons, in my early 20's which I slowly dug my way out of. Again, I know depression runs in my family, but doing drugs didn't help.

It's scary, and it's something over years that I've not delved into much. I put that part of my life into the past and rarely revisit it.

But sure enough, had my usual scary dreams, of being crazy and ostracized. I wake up, and there is Linda, wonderful normal sweet Linda, and I breath a big sigh of relief. And, after getting up for an hour or so, I go back to sleep.

I usually avoid all reminders to that part of my life, which I think is a good strategy.

I recently had a high school friend want to get in touch, and while she wasn't an inner part of my troubles back then, it still would stir old feelings. (My friend, Wes, who I've had so much interaction over the years, those old feelings have softened.)

I've been married to Linda for 29 years, and she never saw me like that. I may have been slightly strange when she met me, but I was coming out of it, and it really was like night and day. She has the romanticized idea that she would have seen my qualities -- but it's a moot point, because it wouldn't have happened, I was so closed off.

My brother has apparently had some depressive episodes -- though I don't think he ever had extinction event level depression like mine where I couldn't get out of bed. But I was remarking how luck I was that I've not had a reoccurence of depression in the last 35 years or so.

"Oh, odds are it will happen," he says.

Oh, great. Thanks.

I've never been naive, I've always known the possibility exists, I've tried to monitor myself so that I'll know if it's coming on, and I've programmed myself in advance to seek help (medication) immediately.

Part of me thinks it's genetic, and part of me thinks it's environmental, and all of me thinks it's both. The optimistic side of me, thinks it's environmental and can be avoided if I take the right steps. The negative side of me thinks, yeah, sure, that's what you would think.

But I did sort of work my way out of it -- time helped, but so did some methods and some self-awareness. So I'm still thinking I can keep trying to avoid it by living a good and proper life.