Letting it stew.

I've got a very crude sense about the stock market that as long as doubts are being doubted, and warnings are being warned, and clarion calls for getting out are being clarioned, that it's O.K. to stay in.

When that shifts. When I hear people saying, "By golly, this rally is the Real Deal!" that's when I'll be looking to move to cash. I want to pay off the house, but I want to ride this rally as far as I can.

I know, I know. You never know.

But still. It does seem like in my daily readings, I get an overall sense of negativity vs. positivity.

The Bulletin, The Source, The Oregonian, Salon, Slate, Calculated Risk, Mish's, Big Picture, Keypoint Partners Retail Roundup, Craig's List Rants and Raves, Naked Capitalism, Huffington Post, Bend Economy Bulletin Board, USA Today, KTVZ.com, Bend Blogs, My Back Pages, Financial Armageddon and numerous comic related sites are on my daily reading list.

Obviously, these are weighted toward the negative sites -- Financial Armageddon? -- but I try to weight my evaluations accordingly. I think the negative sites have proven more reliable over the last several years, don't you?


Meanwhile, I'm still trying to figure out my financial planning.

It may seem obvious, but you can't plan for the future until you know what kind of future you want....

I'll repeat. You can't plan for the future until you know what kind of future you want....

I thought I did. But the future I had planned was pretty much decided, circumscribed by circumstances.... and now it's been thrown up in the air again.

What's changed is this: We now have a viable retirement. Not just a pay the bills and pinch our pennies type retirement, but a real enjoy and live and explore kind of retirement. But a lot depends on what we do now. The variations seem endless.

I hate not making plans, of not mapping out a future, of leaving it undecided. But I'm a great believer that things become clear over time -- that I reach a conclusion, sometimes subconsciously, that feels right and then proceed. I get a Sense of the Future -- of who I am and where I'm going.

I joked about never having a Mid-life Crisis; that I got it out of the way when I crashed and burned out of high school. I wouldn't call this a mid-life crisis -- well, maybe it is, in that I'm a little fuzzy about things right now. What's weird is that I should be able to relax; and instead, I find myself worrying more than before. (Poor me. ) More is at stake, somehow.

What's surprising and dismaying is that I'm still up in the air about the future. I haven't integrated my new situation to my decision making process.

It was easier when I didn't have any other decision to make but to just put my head down and keep working and keep trying to save and keep trying to stay out of debt and keep trying to stay healthy and happy.

It's become complicated. Too many options, too many choices.

Somehow it's not working to say to myself, "Nothing has Changed. Put down your head and keep working and keep trying to save and la, la, la........"

It ought to work. It has always worked in the past. But somehow, this time I haven't been able to compartmentalize my situation.

It doesn't help that the businesses we own are going to be facing some major challenges from digital, and other complications. The next 5 years or so are already in play; but there are decisions I can make now that decide the 5 years after that; which then decide the next 5 years.
All well and good to say -- just keep working and saving, and let the future take care of itself. Perhaps because we own businesses, we have to plan a bit more than that.

I mean, I know I'm going to keep working in the store for the foreseeable future -- I know I want to keep working in the store, maybe with a bit more time off. But I still have to make decisions that affect my future; and my future will be affected by my decisions, you know?

And there is the matter of getting older, and being a little afraid that we won't have a chance to take advantage of our opportunities if we wait too long. I have to second-guess myself a bit, because I know that I have some family ingrained characteristics that aren't healthy. I need to let go, a bit. Allow myself to relax, to actually spend money.

The saying, "Life is not a dress rehearsal" really applies to me. I'm all about planning for the future, of delayed gratification.

What I said above about arriving at a 'Sense of the Future' after much thought and introspection and talking about it, is really true. It's shaping a 'narrative' of my life, if you will. And I had a pretty strong self-identity as an Underdog, a Come from Behind Dark Horse, and an underestimated achiever. Now, that's been thrown in doubt.

I can usually compartmentalize things. I can be aware of inner contradictions, but make room for them. This time, I'm still trying to work out all the ramifications. Usually, I'm the guy who can ignore all the problems, just keep going as if they aren't there, and hope that by going on, that the problems will resolve themselves. While it weighs down Linda. This time, Linda seems perfectly O.K. with the ambiguity, and I'm wanting more clarity.

I'm giving it more time to settle, probably until summer, before I make any major decisions....