Fever Fugue

Spent all day yesterday in a fever fugue. Most of it in bed.

The McGeary clan in all sizes is in town for Tina's memorial (today at 3:00 at Aspen Hall). Most family in one place at one time in living memory. (There were five kids in my immediate family, each with a spouse and two kids, and they are all here.) Made it the dinner on Friday night at their condo at Mt. Bachelor Village, but the picture of the happy gathering shows me kind of slumped down in my chair --- I remember actually laying my head on the table at one point.

This is without the booze. I knew a single beer would lay me out on the floor.

Went to the dinner last night, and then spent it in the guest room, shivering on the bed.

Was ready to to go to the Dr. this morning, but my fever broke last night -- totally drenching my bed. Woke up this morning feeling much improved.

It wasn't the flu, I think, because I've had both flu shots -- and it didn't feel like the flu. I think it was more likely some kind of sinus infection.

So, today, I'm going to make it to the memorial, even though I have the perfect excuse not to go.

See, I'm pretty agoraphobic -- fear of crowds -- though you wouldn't know it from meeting me in my store. Still, I'm going to gird my loins and go. I'll either find a nice corner to hide in; or immediately scarf down half a dozen drinks and be sloppy drunk. Either way, it probably won't be the normal me. So remember that if you see me. But I know it's not about me, it's about my wonderful sister, who I truly thought was a wonderful sister and I want to honor her.

Still -- I'm curious,; what my reaction will be, and who will be there, and it must be a good sign that my curiosity is overcoming my fear. I can remember being in grocery stores or theaters and being absolutely petrified; and now it's perfectly routine. But that's the thing about phobia's -- you never know when they'll kick in, though if you suspect they'll kick in, they probably will....

My typical response is to avoid all phobia inducing situations -- and that seems to have worked for me. My theory is -- the less panic attacks, the less likely I'll have a panic attack. The idea of confronting the situation directly -- which is how I tried to deal with it for years, I think has the unfortunate reaction of making the panic response more rapid and certain.

I'll at least make an appearance, and if the response kicks in too strongly, I'll quietly exit. But I'm hopeful that won't happen.

I'll be the quiet guy with the big beard.