A classic lull.

I'm having one of those classic lulls, the low ebb of a cycle.  I'm glad I've owned a business long enough to recognize it for what it is.  I just need to keep on trucking and the cycle will turn upward at some point.

Here's the thing -- Everything has it's ups and downs, and you can't always be on the high end of a cycle.

Most of the lull comes from other folk.  Waiting for everyone else. There is nothing I can do about that. I just have to be patient.

I continue to get good reviews -- I've gotten 8 four star reviews and 43 five star reviews for Led to the Slaughter.  Most of the later ones are from strangers -- so I'm feeling pretty good about that.  I've been lucky not to get that one or two bad reviews that almost every book gets, even really good ones, so I'm way up the rankings on Average Customer Reviews.  Out of 64,402 horror novels, I'm ranked in the top 3/10ths of 1%.  Tuskers is also doing really well, in the top 1/2 of 1%.  Those are some rarefied heights.   (This does not reflect sales, unfortunately.) 

That helps me when I have moments of doubt -- like right now.  Everything I write seems to be shit right now.  I know that's not true.  I'm not letting it stop me.

I still feel the desire to write. 

(I woke up with an entire s/f short story this morning in my head.  I'm not going to write it.  No point.  The s/f people have their thing and I've already learned that my thing is not their thing and I'm not going to knock my head against the wall.)

I seem to be regaining some bad habits.  When I started out, I'd had a lot of time to think about what I'd done wrong, work-habit wise, in my first career.  I had a set of rules about what not to do.

I was very focused and disciplined about this.  Since I've had some success finishing books, I've been letting some of those rules slide a bit, which I can now see was a big mistake.

I need to get back to my original approach and stick to it.

This is one of those moments when it's easy to take my eyes off the ball.  I have to continue to be diligent and conscientious and I'll come out the other side.  Like I said, I learned that in the business.  Sometimes years would go by and nothing would happen though I felt I was doing the right things.  I just kept the faith, kept trying to do what I thought were the right things, and in the end -- the cycle would turn and my efforts would be rewarded.

Sometimes success just comes from being plodding past the point where most people give up.

Famous last words?

Landscaper called a month and a half ago wanting to get started.

"Call me back in mid-April," I said.

"You sure?"

"This is Bend.  Mid-April is soon enough."

"Okaaaayyyy....."

My poor bleeding heart in front of the house got a little too exuberant.  It's drooping now.

I always make the joke that the gardening departments in Bend make twice as much money as anywhere else.  They sell the same plants twice, once in March and once in May.

*****

Woke up and my wifi was down.

My life felt empty.

There's something wrong with that feeling.

*****

Finally put my chapters on Tuskers III in order yesterday.  I had a sinking feeling about it.

Woke up this morning and realized that if I switched the second and sixth chapters, and rewrote them slightly, they would be so much better.

The lesson being -- Sleep on it.

*****

I don't want to like Frank Sinatra for some reason.  After watching the first half of the documentary last night, I think I understand him a bit more.

It is a Sinatra production, so I think it whitewashes a lot.  The whole "met some gangsters in Cuba once and everything else is made up" posture is ridiculous.  I've read enough reliable stories elsewhere to know that there is more to the story.

I still remember my Mom's comment when Elvis died.  "I don't understand the fuss," she said.  "Now if it was Sinatra..."

Seeing those pictures of Bobbysoxers, I couldn't help but see my Mom in the audience.  heh.

*****

I want to finish up the books I'm committed to, but then I want to write One-ups.  Each as different as possible.

This will both keep me fresh, and let me discover more what my strengths and weaknesses are.

I thought of a title to a second Golem book: The Too Quiet Man.  But I need to resist writing it.

But if I do, it will be a standalone, part of a series.  Just like the next Virginia Reed book.  No more of these long continuing stories like The Vampire Evolution Trilogy or Tuskers.  It's too hard.

*****

They shot a cougar on Pilot Butte, about half a mile from my house.

The paper this morning had this advice.  "Don't hike alone."

Well, fuck that.  I walk in the Badlands (15 miles east of town or so) all the time.  I'm not going to stop.

Famous last words?

Building the book foundations for an eventful ending.

I wrote three Tuskers viewpoint chapters in the last three days, thus building one corner of the architecture of the story.  With the foundation in place, I can build the plot higher.

I'm not terribly happy with these chapters, but they should hold up until I can improve them.

Now I need a chapter from the folk at the Pederson barn, a couple more chapters from the citizens of Sagauro, then a couple of chapters of the conflict between the two groups, then the climactic chapters of humans versus Tuskers.   That should about do it.  I'm at about 36K words, with about 50K envisioned.

Today I have a fill-in chapter that I don't know will work.  There are several chapters in this book that I might jettison if they aren't improved.

Anyway, I'm making progress.

The thing I'm most encouraged about is that for both this book and for Tuskers IV, I have sufficiently eventful climaxes lined up.  The whole book doesn't work if I can't come up with good enough endings, and I've built these books so that the potential for something grand is there.

Writing every day.

I'm writing chapters that I don't particularly like.

I guess I'm hoping I can fix them.

I give myself most of the day to get the inspirational spark -- sometimes just a sentence that comes whole to start.  But if by late afternoon I haven't come up with anything, I go ahead and write anyway.

Actually, I also figure that if I can't fix the chapter, I can throw it out.  I mean, the writing itself is a good exercise and I learn something every time I sit down to write.  I have faith that there is always more where that came from.

Even in books where I'm inspired, there comes a time when I have to force the issue.  Books don't get written without effort.

The quality control comes from not releasing anything until it meets my standards. But it doesn't come before I write -- I write whatever it is I'm writing.

Oregon poet William Stafford had this advice: "There is no such thing as writer's block for writers whose standards are low enough."


I'd go even further: there is a joy to writing without standards.  It often results in something fun.  And you know what?  It's probably just as good or profound or artistic in the end as that stilted piece of crap you write trying to reach some high standard.

A year later, I can't really tell the difference between work I labored over and work that come to me in a flash.  Except that the labored stuff sometimes is better.

Don't get me wrong.  I love it when the words flow, when I think I'm being "artistic."  If I could, it would always be this way.  But sometimes I write stuff that I don't think is good, but get me part way to where I'm going.

The quality of the writing isn't affected by whether I think I'm writing "art" or "pulp," because in the end I write the best I can.  That can't be helped.  I have to write the best I can no matter what I'm doing.

By forcing the issue, I sometimes go places I wouldn't have gone otherwise.

So...writing every day is good, even if it isn't always easy.

A pleasing balance.

I don't know if I'm being silly or pretentious, but I include in thinking about my writing such things as "themes" and "architecture." (There are probably technical terms for what I'm saying, but since I don't know them, I've made up my own terminology.)

I have three different viewpoint clusters in Tuskers III -- not just different viewpoint characters, but clusters of viewpoint characters separated by time and space from other clusters, but connected in the plot.

So when I have too many chapters with one cluster, it makes the book feel lopsided, somehow.  In an architectural sense.

So I find myself looking for the other clusters to counter-balance that.

For instance, I have quite a few chapters in Tuskers III with new characters.  I have a few chapters with older, main characters, and the biggest addition is a third cluster from the viewpoint of the Tuskers themselves. 

I'm having no trouble with the first cluster, the new humans. 

I've got a plan in mind for the second cluster, the former main characters.  They'll come in strong at the end, where they belong.

The third clusters seems sparse. I feel like I need a couple more early chapters from the viewpoint of Napoleon, the main Tusker character.

But the story so far hasn't offered a reason for those chapters.

Nevertheless, I feel like the book is lacking chapters from that viewpoint.  There has to be something I'm missing, otherwise the book would feel complete and it doesn't.  It's lacking something -- a pleasing balance, if you will.

So today's task will be to come up with those counter-balancing chapters.  I may spend most of the day thinking about it, before I write.  The new chapters have to be legit.  They can't just be chapters for chapters sake.

But because the architecture of the story demands it, I'm positive they are there.

Apparently all those years my creative subconscous was screaming to get out.

I spent 25 years telling myself I didn't need to write.  That the world was full of books.  That others were much better writers than me.

After a great start, publishing my first 3 books, my experience in my first career hadn't ended well.  I'd tied myself up in knots with my fourth book, wrote a crappy fifth book, and tried really hard with my sixth book and came Soooooooo Cloooooose.

My seventh book, I wrote exactly the way I wanted, and it didn't work.

My work habits sucked.  I was totally hitting writer's block.  I'd put too high expectations on myself.

Worse, I now had four manuscripts in a cedar chest that I knew were never going to see the light of day, and I didn't see much point in adding to them.

The publishing industry looked awful to me.  It appeared to me that luck, timing, and who you knew mattered more than talent or potential talent.  Fuck that.

So I convinced myself not to try.

The internet changed that.  Just the idea that a book wouldn't end up in a cedar chest to be tossed out someday, but would actually be online, even if only a few people ever looked at it -- that was enough for me to try.

So I set out to write just one more book.  Just to see if I could do it.

The first book was finished, but I mishandled completely.  Oh, oh.  Back to old habits.  I wrote a second book that had possibilities, but it got clogged too. I wrote third book, just for fun, and that was better.

Then I woke up one day with a vampire book blooming in my head.  I ignored the warning thoughts that "The world doesn't need another vampire book" and it poured out of me, and I haven't stopped since.

I had the idea of Donner Party and Werewolves, and it came out well.  My first really mature book, I thought.

So the ease with which I write comes and goes.  Sometimes it comes pouring out of me, sometimes it becomes a chore, but either way, I've tried to finish the books.

What I'm saying here is -- I'm amazed.

Who knew?

I just wanted to write one more book.

Apparently all those 25 years I was telling myself I didn't need to write, my creative subconscious was screaming to get out.

Forget about it.

I'm going to stay away from the internet today.

This is hell day for gullible people.