I just finished a book. I'm setting it aside for a month to mellow, as is my new procedure.

This is a good time to think about what I'm trying to do.

I can write no end of stories, apparently. And maybe that's what I'll do. I seem to be almost addicted to the process. Life feels a little empty when I'm not writing.

But I'm not sure what I'm accomplishing.

I mean, writing for my own well-being is a worthy goal and in the end maybe all that matters. But there is no way to break through to a wider audience that makes any sense.

I figure if I did all the marketing I could do, the chances of having a good result is maybe 10%. Better than the 0% if I don't do any marketing, but not good enough to spend all the time and effort and social cost.

I've always had the idea that if I wrote a good enough book that word-of-mouth would take off. Well, either I've not written that book, or word-of-mouth isn't going to do the job.

I've had more success than I expected. I've been published (paid) by 10 different publishers in my career. So it's not a fluke.

And if I do say so myself, they are a lot better than I thought I could do when I started.

It has been my decision from the start not to try very hard to break into mainstream publishing, which I think is a snakepit. I was invited in--and sure enough, it didn't go well. Someday I'll tell that story--but I rather thought it was an abusive relationship and who needs that?

I've allowed myself to write what I want when I want. I think this is the right decision. I don't chase the marketplace--in fact, often when I start a book I'm aware it isn't very commercial. I'm also trying to allow myself to experiment.

For instance, this latest book is more about mood and ideas than it is about action. The mood and ideas are hanging on a very lean action plot, which I think is cool. But I'm not sure it works. That's the point--not being sure what works and what doesn't but trying anyway.

So philosophically, I'm not sure what I want to do next.

More practically, I have a series of books that I either didn't quite finish or which need extensive re-writing. So far, as long as there was a new book in the works, I've done that instead. But someday it would be nice to set aside some time to get those other books ready, even if they need to be published under a penname.

But re-writing is actually harder for me than doing a new book, and if these books are weak, the equation has always been--write a new book and try to be better.

But....seeing 10 stories that I liked and which I thought had potential just sitting there is kind of maddening.

I basically want to get drunk, run them through a quick rewrite, and get them out and damn the quality. But...

So anyway, as of this moment I'm probably going to pick up my first book again, Faerylander, and give it one more try. Really try to assert my author's voice, see if I can't make it work.

It's a daunting task.

A lot more daunting than just taking a kernel of an idea and starting a new story.

Eden's Return, done.

So without really meaning to, I've finished another book. This one is more a result of just writing everyday and reaching a conclusion than a goal to write another book, if that makes sense. Just looked for an interesting theme to explore and chipped away at it. It took twice as long as normal and is shorter than usual, but it's a complete story.

Passed 50,000 words on "Eden's Return," which just goes to show that I should never worry about length. By the time I finish the second draft, I'll be beyond 60,000 words, which is fine.

I wanted this story to be shorter.

I have one chapter and the epilogue to go, which I think I can finish today.

There are plenty of concepts to explore here. I don't want the theme to overwhelm the story, but I'd like to add a little depth to it all. Just going to tinker with it, try to find ways to introduce the concepts.

FINISHED: It ended up at 52,400 words. I figure the rewrite will add about 15% as usual, so it may end up close to 70,000 words, which would be great. Anything above 60K would be fine.

Different than what I've done before. I like it, though I think it will need some strong rewriting. I want to delve into philosophy, though I'm not sure how I'm going to do that. That's my intent, at least.

 I'm moving more and more into fantasy and science fiction, rather than horror or thrillers.

Not sure what to do next. I'd intended to rewrite and that's probably what I should do, rather than write another one. But...I never turn down ideas.  

This book has been different. All books are different, but this one has been really different.

The plot is extraordinarily simple. Small squad of soldiers sent into a forbidden zone who then have to try to get out.

Within that simple plot, I had a theme of the Noble Savage, of innocence lost.

Each part of the plot had some philosophical goals. Each of those goals needed to be manifested by mood and dialogue, both inner and outer. In each section, I waited until I was "feeling" it.

It's this last goal which has been incredibly difficult to do.

For instance, by the end of the books I wanted the two main protagonists to fall in love. I've reached that moment where it needs to be manifested, but there is literally no plot to hang it on. As far as the main male character knows, he's the last survivor. She saves him, nurses him to health, they talk a bunch, they fall in love.

How the hell do you do that?

In the past, if I had two characters fall in love it was through the mechanism of plot and I tried to let it develop naturally. But now they are suddenly thrown together and I have to show them falling in love.

I've got four days to write those scenes and make them believable, then onto the climax, which is short and plot oriented and I think rather satisfying.


I figured out another reason this book is different. The penultimate chapters are contemplative, not action oriented, which is the opposite of normal. The last chapter will be action again, but the fact the book slows down and takes a deep breath at the end--that is different.

2nd draft equal in weight to 1st draft.

I hit 46,500 words on "Eden's Return" today with 5 days left in my writing period. I originally estimated that I'd finish up the first draft at 50,000, but I think it may end up closer to 55,000.

It was planned purposely short. The idea this time was to streamline the pace of the story and get it down. I have some philosophical concepts I'd like to play with and I figured the faster the story, the more weight it will hold.

That's the theory, anyway.

Every book is different. I mean, the process of thinking about today's writing, then going on an hour walk, where I stop every half mile or so and do some writing, then going back home and doing whatever embellishing I need to do--that hasn't changed. It's been very effective for me.

But this time I allowed myself more time between sessions. Basically, I'm spending almost 10 weeks for something that would usually take no more than 5 weeks. Mostly because I wanted each section to be natural, without being forced, so I decided I'd wait for inspiration.

I'm purposely leaving a lot for the second draft, whereas I usually try to get as much of the final book as I can in the first draft. In other words, I'm giving equal weight to the second draft. 

I'm focused on the theme of this story more than anything. But the plot and characters need to naturally expose the theme, not be forced into convolutions.

This book has lots of potential if I can figure out how to bring some depth to it. I'm not sure if I have that depth. I've never been particularly subtle. If I have something to say, I just say it. I certainly have always  relied on straightforward storytelling, and this time I'm being a bit more ambiguous.

Because the concepts I'm playing with are by their nature ambiguous.

Really great writing would have the philosophical concepts embodied by the language and actions of the characters.

I don't think I'm quite up to that, but I'm trying.

The lottery and magical thinking.

I just bought a ticket to each of the three ongoing lotteries. I went to one of those "cafes" which specialize in gambling, because it was nearest to my house. There was a guy standing there playing Keno, another lady who was buying fifty dollars worth of scratch-offs.

I bought the two big lottos, and Keno guy said, "What, are you going to skip the million dollar one?"

I laughed and said, "You're right. That would be better anyway. Giving away a billion dollars would be too much trouble."

Earlier, I'd posted on Facebook: "Here's how lazy I am. A billion is too complicated. A million would do just fine."

Of course, I know there is a near zero chance. But I'd always wonder. (What difference a billion makes, I don't know. There are million dollar prizes all the time and they don't entice me. My rational brain knows the odds.)

I'm as susceptible to magical thinking as the next guy. Maybe more so. I think it goes along with the creative imagination.

I read an author once who advised against "daydreaming," contending it was useless. I couldn't disagree more. Daydreaming fueled my early writing. My first book got published, which only reinforced my daydreaming. Of course, the reality played out differently. Not much money or fame came from that book or the next two books, but by then I was fully hooked on the fictional dream.

I kept on daydreaming despite being fully aware that it was nothing more than wishful thinking.

At the age of 32 or so, I dismissed my magical thinking and got serious about my future. I chose to buy Pegasus Books and try to make a living that way, because I saw what a crapshoot writing was. I was convinced that it didn't matter how good the book I wrote was--it was a gamble. Someone early on said to me that success in writing was due to "luck, timing, and who you know."

And after writing for five years, I was pretty much convinced it was true. Plus, I had this nagging suspicion that I was "almost" good enough. I told myself the world didn't need any more books, and that was also true.

Over the next 25 years, I'd get the creative urge once in a while, which was usually banished by some financial crisis or another. Those financial crisis's never stopped.

Anyway, I came back to writing with no intention of going for the brass ring. Oh, I wanted people read me. I hoped they would like what I wrote. But I knew I was going to write because I wanted to write. It was a challenge to myself, one that I've fully enjoyed.

I'm still susceptible to daydreaming, but I don't take it seriously.



Surprise, surprise, I didn't win. 

Well and truly stuck.

I'm stuck at 38,000 words with "Eden's Return."

This is rare for me. It's happened a couple of times before, but in both cases I was aware of the problem and was just trying to figure out a solution. This time I'm not sure what is wrong.

Went on my walk yesterday fully expecting to break through, but managed only about 500 words. By the time I got home I realized that I'd have to throw the whole scene out.

I'm not going to push this. I'm going to try to tease out the proper solution. Give my subconscious time to come up with it.



I was telling Linda I was stuck, and then I said, "I want the story to go like this..."

I detailed the rest of the plot, and she chuckled and said, "I LIKE it!"

So there it is. I've cut the Gordian Knot.



But the problem hasn't been the plot. That I've had pretty firmly in mind. That and the themes. It's the "filler" that I'm having trouble with. All those little details that make up a story. I've always been able to come up with stuff, but right now I'm having trouble visualizing scenes.

So I'm not sure if I'm "unstuck" or not.

I can just push forward with the bare bones of the plot as a placeholder and come back in a month to try to fill in, but I'd prefer to have a nicely fleshed out story to start with.

I'm going to give it a few days to see if the words start flowing.

Form before content.

I think I've know what's slowing me down with "Eden's Return" and why it's so hard to get a handle on it:

I figured out the theme and where I wanted the plot to go and then tried to fill in. That is--I figured out the form before I figured out the content. I know what I want the characters to talk about, but until the last few days I couldn't think of a way to make it seem natural.

So now I've created a couple of new characters (or adapting existing characters, actually) that I will focus on, so that will possibly work. Though the motivations for the discussions may have to be worked out.

I have two themes I want to explore and research more and see if I can't beef up the content of the story a little.

1.) The Noble Savage. This was the original conception and it still holds. I need one of the characters to be an intellectual type, who can expound on the concept.

2.) The Garden of Eden and the loss of innocence. I'm adding a religious character who can spout some Bible verses.

I think I'll probably just riff on the themes--the philosophical content--and write them down, and then figure out which character says them and where. I don't know if this will work. I don't know if it will be lifeless, or will fit into the story. But I think I can probably pull it off. This is more of a crafting of a work with some intellectual ideas, tacked onto a purely action story.

Which I think is a good thing. The purely action story is just having the characters try to survive. The dialogue is basically, "Watch out!'' "Run!" that kind of thing. So it certainly could exist on that level alone and be fine. But I'd like to have some content that deepens the interactions a little more.

So for example--I've killed off more than half the characters, but the two main characters have only interacted up to now in a distant way. I need to draw them closer together. So I'm going back to the chapter I wrote yesterday and putting in a meeting with the two.

Now why is the girl helping them? Gratitude?--I haven't had them do anything for her. Just natural kindness?--well this works better because I make her a pure innocent. Curiosity?--definitely this. Loneliness?--this is probably closest to the mark, so I need to establish that.

But none of this seems quite right--or all of them.

Anyway, what I know is that I like the plot, the theme, and the main characters, which is pretty much the basis for a good book. I can fix the writing, I think.