So I keep thinking my agoraphobia is completely gone.
Well, it is if I'm prepared. But I think if I was caught alone on a busy street without an escape route I'd still freak out.
Linda and I went to visit family down in Oakhurst, Ca. We stayed at the Coarsegold casino, which I had some doubts about, but I thought it might be an interesting experience. And it was a four star hotel at a relatively cheaper cost. (They didn't need to know that we weren't gambling. heh)
Anyway, first day there, I went to park the car and then had to walk through the entire casino to get to my room. And the phobic reaction started immediately and built with every step. By the time I got to the room, I had to try to recover my calm.
I have some pills I can take, but I need to take them a good half hour before I confront a situation.
The point being, this reaction is rare for me nowadays, but a reminder that it is still there. Next day Linda and I went to a busy restaurant, which used to be a trigger, but this time I was prepared (and most importantly, I had Linda with me.)
And I marvel at how most people have no idea that just being able to sit there calmly and fit in and feel normal is a huge blessing.
Saturday, March 30, 2019
Friday, March 29, 2019
My wife--the bustle beast.
We're back from our trip. This is what happened yesterday morning:
Linda is up and dressed and packed by 7:00 in the morning.
"Quit bustling about, please," I groan, upon opening my eyes.
"I'm not bustling," she says.
Ten minutes later, she zips up her suitcase and stares at me. "No hurry."
I lift my coffee cup and hide behind it.
She continues to buzz around the bed as I browse the internet. She coughs discretely.
"Take your time," she says again.
8:30. The pressure steadily mounts. She writes in her journal for awhile, then closes it and looks over at me. I refuse to meet her eyes until I've finished my second cup of coffee.
8:45. Her Jedi mind power starts levitating my bed. I ignore it. She paces the room, pretends not to pace the room. Looks over at me while pretending not to look over at me. Brushes her teeth the second time this morning.
"Not true," she says..."it's only your perception."
I put pillow over my head and hear her snort loudly. She starts looking toward the door as if contemplating going somewhere.
"I like to be ready so I don't have to hurry and rush stuff," she says.
"It's 8:45," I say. "Checkout is 11:00. We have nowhere we need to be."
She starts packing up everything not already nailed down, making sure to close the doors loudly.
She finally admits she's bustling. "What's wrong with bustling?" she says, as she zips around the room. She starts cleaning the sink and wiping the counters.
"Uh, did you already pack the creamer?"
"Sorry."
I get up to take shower. "Uh...I need the shampoo and soap, please."
"Oh....sorry."
I come out of the shower. She's standing in the middle of the room. She's not tapping her foot, but she might as well be.
"I'm up, I'm up already..." I mutter. It's 9:00. After two hours of intense pressure. I'm beginning to crack. I try to bustle, but nothing happens. I start to desultorily pack my bags. It's too much, I lay back on the bed and try to ignore the fact that my wife is starting to make the hotel beds.
"I'm putting your bathrobe in this bag since it doesn't fit your suitcase,"she says.
"Oh, my God. Are you packing MY suitcase?"
"Noooo......" she says, stepping back guiltily. She bustles about, even though everything is packed. I have no idea what she's doing.
9:20. She leaves to get car and round up bellhop. The room is finally quiet and peaceful. I fight the urge to go back to bed. My ordeal will soon be over.
Wednesday, March 27, 2019
Small business is an act of willpower, Pt. 2.
Business at Pegasus Books has been really good for the last two weeks. Which is a big relief because February sucked. That's the worst effect from weather I've ever seen. But it looks like everything is back to normal.
About the time it turned normal, I'd already decided to order as if it was normal. That's when I posted my "Small business is an act of willpower" entry--and it seems to have been proven true once again.
It's nice these days to have a line of credit to cover these kinds of events. Paid off the line of credit about ten days ago. I spent years on a COD basis with no backup funds. It was a constant tightrope walk.
But also, we sell books and graphic novels and games and toys nowadays, which have a much longer shelf-life than comic periodicals used to have. I never realized how hard a comic shop was compared to just about any other business. I probably shouldn't say this but--bookstores are a breeze, comparatively--and I still haven't resorted to returns, which I could do if I wanted. If I miss a week or two of orders for books or games, sales continue on as normal. If I miss a week of comics, it's a holocaust...heh. (I don't even want to talk about sports cards...shudder.)
The thing I keep coming back to--when it comes to willpower--is another way to put it is--heavy-lifting. I spent years putting the business on my back and pushing through, by work and willpower and constant attention.
So it's a big relief nowadays that the store maintains itself, that it requires a constant spin of the wheel, but not the mud-wrestling it used to take.
As I always say, it only took 25 years--it might have taken less time if I hadn't made so many mistakes, but even if everything had been smooth, I'm sure at least 10 to 15 years needed to pass before the store became functional. (We started at a very low ebb.)
Small business is wonderful--but be ready to work at it.
About the time it turned normal, I'd already decided to order as if it was normal. That's when I posted my "Small business is an act of willpower" entry--and it seems to have been proven true once again.
It's nice these days to have a line of credit to cover these kinds of events. Paid off the line of credit about ten days ago. I spent years on a COD basis with no backup funds. It was a constant tightrope walk.
But also, we sell books and graphic novels and games and toys nowadays, which have a much longer shelf-life than comic periodicals used to have. I never realized how hard a comic shop was compared to just about any other business. I probably shouldn't say this but--bookstores are a breeze, comparatively--and I still haven't resorted to returns, which I could do if I wanted. If I miss a week or two of orders for books or games, sales continue on as normal. If I miss a week of comics, it's a holocaust...heh. (I don't even want to talk about sports cards...shudder.)
The thing I keep coming back to--when it comes to willpower--is another way to put it is--heavy-lifting. I spent years putting the business on my back and pushing through, by work and willpower and constant attention.
So it's a big relief nowadays that the store maintains itself, that it requires a constant spin of the wheel, but not the mud-wrestling it used to take.
As I always say, it only took 25 years--it might have taken less time if I hadn't made so many mistakes, but even if everything had been smooth, I'm sure at least 10 to 15 years needed to pass before the store became functional. (We started at a very low ebb.)
Small business is wonderful--but be ready to work at it.
Tuesday, March 26, 2019
The fundamental question of our future.
I should have had a tagline for "Fateplay: Why would you ever leave a holodeck?
Let's say, for instance, that you could live in Middle Earth. You never have to be hurt or killed in real life but can have all the adventures you want. Or whatever fantasy realm or real earth location and scenario you want.
Interestingly, to me, is that both Star Trek and Orville touched on this every time they had an episode featuring a holodeck. It may not have been the main plot point, but the question was always there. So far, in Orville, it's pretty much been the main point. Oh, they have the characters coming back down to earth, but I always wonder why? I mean, depending on people willing to go back to their reality because of "duty" or "responsibility" seems pretty iffy to me.
Think of every addiction you have ever had and multiply it by a zillion. (It's pretty much the underlying plotpoint of the Matrix movies, right?)
Of course, it may come down to expense. Who can afford to neglect the necessities? Maybe only rich people will be able to play.
But assuming a future where this technology is readily available and where you can feed and clothe yourself and take care of the necessities, and assuming you can bring your friends and loved ones with you--why would you ever leave?
Let's say, for instance, that you could live in Middle Earth. You never have to be hurt or killed in real life but can have all the adventures you want. Or whatever fantasy realm or real earth location and scenario you want.
Interestingly, to me, is that both Star Trek and Orville touched on this every time they had an episode featuring a holodeck. It may not have been the main plot point, but the question was always there. So far, in Orville, it's pretty much been the main point. Oh, they have the characters coming back down to earth, but I always wonder why? I mean, depending on people willing to go back to their reality because of "duty" or "responsibility" seems pretty iffy to me.
Think of every addiction you have ever had and multiply it by a zillion. (It's pretty much the underlying plotpoint of the Matrix movies, right?)
Of course, it may come down to expense. Who can afford to neglect the necessities? Maybe only rich people will be able to play.
But assuming a future where this technology is readily available and where you can feed and clothe yourself and take care of the necessities, and assuming you can bring your friends and loved ones with you--why would you ever leave?
Why would you ever leave a holodeck? Seriously.
"Fateplay" is my first real science fiction novel. It was inspired by the tone and easy-to-read-ness of "Ready Player One" though it quickly went in its own direction. I really like the characters, the variety of them, and it was great fun to write a bunch of different adventure scenarios because the book is about role-playing and cosplay and virtual reality and holo-technology.
Watching "Orville" has once again reminded me of what seems to me to be the fundamental question:
"Why would you ever leave a holo scenario you like?"
Seriously. Why would you? Addictive personalities at the very least, but then--we're all addictive personalities when it comes right down to it.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07PKHKFBJ/ref=pe_3377830_400938170_pe_re_csr_lm
Sunday, March 24, 2019
The Void Says Goodbye
The Void Says Goodbye
The moon snickers
at who shall be it
the sun bickers
and dithers and spits
The stars dolefully
blinking down
as the earth smothers
and drowns.
The oceans roil
in anger and pain
the lands groan
not quite sane
The animals skitter
and hide and flee
As Mankind
refuses to see
This won't end well
say the clouds and sky
the void shrugs
and says goodbye
The moon snickers
at who shall be it
the sun bickers
and dithers and spits
The stars dolefully
blinking down
as the earth smothers
and drowns.
The oceans roil
in anger and pain
the lands groan
not quite sane
The animals skitter
and hide and flee
As Mankind
refuses to see
This won't end well
say the clouds and sky
the void shrugs
and says goodbye
Saturday, March 23, 2019
Used to be hard to get nerd stuff.
Whenever I check one of the pop culture sites I'm overwhelmed by the amount of nerd stuff that is offered. Amazing. Toys, games, comics, books...tchotchkes and random knick-knacks.
What I remember is 39 years ago at Pegasus Books when we had to search high and low for anything nerdy. Even D & D was new and rudimentary. Comics were way off the mainstream. Science Fiction and Fantasy were still inching their way toward the respectability.
Right now, I can go onto a book liquidation site and finds dozens of Star Wars books at discounts. Four decades ago any and all Star Wars product was instantly snapped up.
I'm not sure why it took so long for the commercial culture to catch up. It's like they fought it every step of the way--or simply didn't believe it was real. It's hard to remember now the doubt I encountered when the first Spider-man movie was announced. I mean, I remember thinking if I had any money I'd buy up all the Marvel stock I could afford. (I had no money...dammit.)
I had a hard time finding book distributors who would deal with us. Toy distributors wouldn't even answer the phone. Game distributors were available, but difficult to work with. We had the comic distributors--but they carried only comics. Few toys or games and no graphic novels.
I don't think people today understand how this avalanche of nerd stuff wasn't inevitable--and has gathered steam as time goes on. When I first bought the store I was on the constant look out for anything nerdy that was available to me.
Now the job is to try to pick the stuff that meets my store the best. When I see pictures of other comic stores, they have cool nerd stuff that makes me wonder why I didn't get it. One comic retailer just announced that his Funko toys were outselling his new comics. To which I say, "Wow!" (Maybe I should be getting more Funko...)
When I hear complaints from nerd culture I always want to shout--"This is amazing! Cool movies, cool toys, cool books, cool games! Be grateful you ingrates!!!
Hey, when I was a kid, the only SF movies around were giant killer bugs. Batman was a joke. Star Wars was a wet dream.
It all looks "cool" in hindsight, but at the time it was a big disappointment to read a Heinlein novel and then see some low budget science fiction movie that more likely than not was a parody.
Just saying, that nerd culture has taken over--and that would have been impossible to predict.
And I think it's wonderful.
(Oh, and we had to walk five miles to school...up hill both ways.)
What I remember is 39 years ago at Pegasus Books when we had to search high and low for anything nerdy. Even D & D was new and rudimentary. Comics were way off the mainstream. Science Fiction and Fantasy were still inching their way toward the respectability.
Right now, I can go onto a book liquidation site and finds dozens of Star Wars books at discounts. Four decades ago any and all Star Wars product was instantly snapped up.
I'm not sure why it took so long for the commercial culture to catch up. It's like they fought it every step of the way--or simply didn't believe it was real. It's hard to remember now the doubt I encountered when the first Spider-man movie was announced. I mean, I remember thinking if I had any money I'd buy up all the Marvel stock I could afford. (I had no money...dammit.)
I had a hard time finding book distributors who would deal with us. Toy distributors wouldn't even answer the phone. Game distributors were available, but difficult to work with. We had the comic distributors--but they carried only comics. Few toys or games and no graphic novels.
I don't think people today understand how this avalanche of nerd stuff wasn't inevitable--and has gathered steam as time goes on. When I first bought the store I was on the constant look out for anything nerdy that was available to me.
Now the job is to try to pick the stuff that meets my store the best. When I see pictures of other comic stores, they have cool nerd stuff that makes me wonder why I didn't get it. One comic retailer just announced that his Funko toys were outselling his new comics. To which I say, "Wow!" (Maybe I should be getting more Funko...)
When I hear complaints from nerd culture I always want to shout--"This is amazing! Cool movies, cool toys, cool books, cool games! Be grateful you ingrates!!!
Hey, when I was a kid, the only SF movies around were giant killer bugs. Batman was a joke. Star Wars was a wet dream.
It all looks "cool" in hindsight, but at the time it was a big disappointment to read a Heinlein novel and then see some low budget science fiction movie that more likely than not was a parody.
Just saying, that nerd culture has taken over--and that would have been impossible to predict.
And I think it's wonderful.
(Oh, and we had to walk five miles to school...up hill both ways.)
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